Cycling Forum: Wife does not like your biking ......

Help .... 

My wife rolls her eyes every time I say I'm going for a ride.  Doesn't matter if I try to pre-plan it, etc... she simply says that it is too much time away from her and the kids.  Any suggestions?  I've tried talking it through (how it makes me happier, healthy, etc..) but no go.   My only other thought / last resort is to start biking EARLY in the morning before the kids and her get up and going (but we are talking a 4:30 am start time).  On weekends I'll bike one day (sometimes 2) for up to 5 hours or so.

Any thoughts / suggestions ........ I'm moving towards the morning rides (in the dark) come Spring time!  For now, it's indoor training early a.m.

- G 

I'm with LexB - there needs to be some give & take here.  Up to 5 hours sometimes 2x a weekend, that's a LOT of time to spend away from your family.  If you can't offer your wife that much time away from parenting EVERY week, then how do you feel it's fair that she allow you that much time away? 

If riding is that important to you, you need to get your family more involved in it, AND do as much of your riding/training as you can during times that will least affect family time. 

Food for thought.  If you had to give your wife as much "time off" from family repsonsiblity as you get (or want to get) with your riding/training schedule, could that be accomplished relatively easily?  Are you prepared to spend up to 5 hours, maybe 2x a weekend caring for your kids by yourself (and not after they go to bed).  If not, then you are seriously expecting way too much from your wife & family, by expecting them to let you ride this much on a weekly basis, without their being upset.

While everyone should have their hobbies, interests & hopefully some regularly scheduled "alone time" - family time & family responsiblities should come first.  Don't you think your wife & family kids be happier & healthier if you all spent more time together as a family?

Just my opinion........

Just a question; how old are you rkids? I found a used tandem to take my daughter with me. That might not work for you.

I used to feel that way about my husband's softball playing. It wasn't that I wanted him to not play softball; I felt he was making it a higher priority than family time.  I felt I was competing with it for access to him and his attention. He seemed so happy and alive when he played and coming home he was quiet, so I started to think he resented being at home. Then I would get angry, thinking, "what, does he think it's a picnic for me here too all the time?"  We were at each other's throats about it and I felt like a b**ch.

We had to come to a compromise about not only what we do for ourselves and putting limits on it/making it work for each other, but on spending family time together too. It was NOT easy and we're still tweaking it. Since I started biking again I figured out that it was also because I wasn't getting that same feeling of being happy and alive in my daily life. Since I got back on my bike I don't feel so resentful about the softball playing. He had to cut back, but that was because he plays on weeknights and that's family time.

It included finding someone to come clean 2x a month and eliminating some things from our lives that  were keeping us unnecessarily busy; we've started saying no to some invitations to events. We keep the TV off at night and he helps with homework and does dishes.  We also set specific time aside for a family activity or inactivity...just hanging out.

We started doing something we call "Hotel Vacations"; we get a hotel room for a weekend and hang out in our pajamas, read books, have pillow fights, play card games, take naps, watch a little tv, let the kids take a long bath with bubbles that we bring. We go out to eat someplace inexpensive and  come back. When we're done we pack up and leave, and someone else cleans. 

This is just my version of what we did to solve the problem. Whatever you decide to do is going to be what works for you. Time, energy and money are such precious commodities these days...finding balance is hard.  

 Good luck to you. Not biking anymore is not the answer!
 

A buddy of mine does a creative thing on the weekends with the family to merge the time.  He takes off at 7a or so on a ride heading west and a couple hours later his wife and young son take off in the car and see where they catch up with him.  Then they spend the rest of the day/weekend out and about.  One weekend might be a ride out to a unique bbq joint for lunch, the next out to the hill country west of Austin for a day at the lake, etc.

My rides aren't that long yet, but I definitely am paying attention to what 2hrs works well for my wife.  Esp on the weekends when I want to make sure to get some kid time.  Early morning or nap-time are good windows.

Lots of good suggestions here.  Ive tried many.  I bought a tandem, and a trailer bike so all 3 of us (me, wife, kid) could ride.  We used it a bit.  They had fun, but it was a temporary solution.  The training time is sometimes a moving target.  The kid would not be caught dead on the tandem after about age 8, Ive given up asking the wife to go as somehow the conditions are never just right. (I dont get it, but thats OK).  Other tandem owners I know have been successful in encouraging spouses and kids, even teenagers out on regular rides. 

The thing that worked for me is riding my bike to work, I have been doing it for over 13 years.  I've been lucky to work where I had access to a shower, in fact its one of the reasons I have stayed in the same postion in spite of many other shortcomings of my postion.  For years, I worked at a place where it was quite far to ride all the way, so put my bike on my car and parked closer.  Sometimes I would bring the bike to work, ride home, then back in in the AM.  Try it out, even if you can only pull it off a couple days a week.

My wife is a runner. I am a cyclist.

I run in the early AM with my wife before work as a cross train for cycling.

Try sweetness and compromise - if she is not a runner, then another activity she likes, even clothes shopping, cooking dinner, etc.

I enjoy my family as well and time with them but we are all entitled to our time.  With this I commute to work on my bike every day possible and get up early on weekend to take a long ride then serve coffee and breakfast to my wife in bed.

Like running which can take time, try shorter more intense rides to fill your desire - intervals, inclines - make the heart work for better wind and overall endurance.  A nice hard ride for 30 minutes is well worth it.  Cycle commuting fills many a gap for me - if possible incorporate it into your daily routine - save the cash and treat the wife and kids.  I know people to ride a good 20 miles to work one way - my ride is 6 in and whatever time I have available on the way home (great end of the day stress reliever).

Salud!

 I think we all have had the same problem at some time or other to a greater or lesser extent,

One lesson I learnt early is not to force the issue and trying to involve my wife and kids in my interest. Youmay be a dead keen cyclist but at best the odds of all in the family sharing your interest, to the same intensity, are remote. The kids will like football or swimming and your wife yoga, none of which appeal to you. Would you then take up thses activities with the same passion. I think not, and don't expect them to.

What worked for me was to schedule the same time every day as mt time. In my particular case it was 2 hours from 5 to 7 to cycle in summer with daylight saving. After that I would play cricket or football with my son.

Also agree on your chores around the house and make sure you NEVER fail to do them. If you are too tired to mow the lawn after your workout, your workout was too tough!

Take a genuine inmterest in everone elses activities and understand how important it is to them and how happy you are with them participating. They then understand that your pursuits are similarly important. Weekend activities are prioritised and often you need to make short term sacrifices to enjoy long term objectives.

With that routine in place everyone was happy and knew when I would be available and when not.

I managed to cycle all the big rides and run 8 ultra marathons using this training schedule  (for that is what it is) before my wife left me! Just joking we are still very much together and the kids are stars in their own fields.

Just common sense really!

Vandalay,

I have felt your frustration in the past.  In fact, in my case, the frustration was bi-directional.  In other words, she expressed the same fellings of "outlet deprevation" that I was.  She is not athletic, but everyone needs some life balance.  Equity is important in the long run. 

When we adopted our second child, I pretty much hung up with bike for a long spell.  Then I had to yield to sensibility.  Your kids only grow up once, and you have a pretty short time to get them away from the TV, shopping, and video games.

With a year of patience and slowing myself way down, I have been able to get BOTH of my kids (3 and 7) significantly involved with my addiction.  We are at a point now where they ask ME to go.  Spouse is happy too, because that is just what she wants - quality time for her pursuits.

This October I will be taking my 7 yr. old on the MS150 WITH ME.  I don't expect her to be able to do the whole thing, but the ride will now be a familiy camping event - not just "my ride".  My 3 yr. old will be very upset when he finds out that he can't go on his bike too...

No, I am not putting in the miles I used too, but as long as I am on 2-wheels, I am pretty content.  I am going to try to attach a picture or two in the hopes of sharing some ideas.

 http://www.freewebs.com/cnicolson/pics.htm

Regards,

Coll

A few different things I did after by biking obsession got out of hand :)  These decisions had nothing to do with my wife nagging, because she didn't - One morning she didn't do the usual "can't you stay home and hang out with me today" and it dawned on me that I had won, and I didn't like the feeling of not being wanted at home - I'm much happier now, and the change in my family is better too

1. I sold one of my bikes and bought my wife one - this showed her that I wanted her to be included in this enjoyable time, and that I cared about her fitness as well (for some this might not be true, if so then you have other issues to deal with and biking shouldn't be one of them ;) )  She loves the bike, and when we ride together it's always a great time - not the usual ride, but better in so many ways

2. I ride at 5:30 am so i'm home when the wife and kids are getting up and I don't miss any time with them... times are changing and kids need there parents - cell phones, mp3 players, PS3, X-box, it's WAY to easy to tell your kids to go occupy themselves any more... children are an investment, so invest some time with them - these precious kids don't know the difference, so teach them!)

3. I bought a trainer - not as fun, but just in case I can't get out i don't lose my legs 

I hope i didn't offend anyone, I would just hate for anyone to have to go through what I went through a year ago - i wouldn't wish that on anyone