(I’m pretty sure on this starting fact: Mt. Baw Baw is, whilst obviously not the tallest mountain in Australia, the only “hors catégorie” cycling climb in Australia, according to official Australian cycling authoriti...es. It is not that long, but steep as. Indeed, this extract from the website: http://www.cycle2max.com/bike-hill-climb/Mt-Baw-Baw.aspx?id=73 speaks a few words about it:

“The Baw Baw climb is 6km from the gatehouse to the summit with an elevation gain of 780m. This means that the average gradient is 13% for the whole climb (780/6000 x 100).... Read moreI am not sure what the steepest sections are. As a comparison, L'Alpe d'Huez, the most famous climb in the Tour de France is 13.8km at 7.9%.The Col du Tourmalet is 18.3km at 7.7% and the Col de la Madelaine is 19.4km at 7.7%.Last year's Tour of Spain had a climb up L'Angliru which was billed as thetoughest climb in the world (see www.team.malarenergi.se/probike/vuelta99/alix.html ). It is 13km at an average of 9.6% with the last 6 km averaging 13%. The steepest section is 23.5%.Although a "hors category" climb normally has an elevation gain of at least 1000m and more likely, 1500m, the steepness of Baw Baw would mean that it would be classed as a hors category in Europe. As you can see, Baw Baw is not that far behind L'Angliru.”

OK, with that pre-script out of the way and be it right or wrong, never let the facts get in the way of a good story.

So…I climbed to the top of Mt. Baw Baw!!! Wow!!!... Read more

Er, but in a car. (More of that later).

Now, I’m not a squib and what I did do was descend Mt. Baw Baw – on a bicycle. That’s not that easy – going down a steep downhill with moisture on the road from melting snows plus lots of leaf and branch litter from the big winds from two days previously plus lots of impatient 4Wdrivers behind you means that you’ve got to take a lot of care going down such slopes.
Oh, and of course, Mt. Baw Baw is not the only mountain in the district. There are, oh, about 400 million mountains between Baw Baw and my ultimate destination, the groovin’ Drouin (which is still hilly – indeed, just the hills in that town were enough to crush my spirit, which was pretty much crushed by then and I thought I’d be cruisin’ into Drouin, but, no, hills, hills and more f!cking hills in this bloody town. )

Somewhere along the way back from Mt. Baa Baa is the little known, Mt. Steep-as-All-f!ck. It was named by a Fat Git cyclist oh about 8 hours ago.... Read more

Anyway, I was gonna try to ride to Pakenham (too cheap to buy a V-Line ticket and a metro ticket on the train but, by the time I got to near Robin Hood (as I was already a man in tights, I didn’t need to go there), I thought I’d be just about Pakkin’ it in in Pakenham, so to Drouin I went.

There were two egregious hills in this ride that were moderately short in length but knocked the knackers out of me and, on one of them, the knackers out of a wombat.

They were at the foot of what’s called “Icy Creek” and then the big Mamma leading out of Noojee which had a sign on it: 11%. ... Read more

sh#t!

Still, I made it, big fat gut and all.

With usual coarseness in my lexicon, it must be said that, as I “lanced” myself off the mountain and then did criss-crosses off the other mountains, most people would not assert that I was a fit, lovely-thin Contador in the mountains, but they would definitely assert that I was a fat, ugly Cont adorning the mountains.

(Think about that one!)

[Now, why was I up there? I had received news the day previously that my beloved wife... Read more’s car had “fallen off a cliff” in the big winds on the Sunday. Perhaps that was an overstatement, but it had definitely moved without human momentum and found itself perched over the ledge of a car park – perilously so and needed to be winched out and the car is sitting in a car repairer’s joint somewhere now. God knows how much the towage will be but that’s where the insurance comes in. They seemed to fix it all, which is good.

That said, I got onto the un-named insurance company – lucky, we... Read more’re with them – and the operator, who assured me insistently three times upon direct questioning, that he was in Victoria, started off calling the mountain Mt. Bow Wow – yes, as in “woof”. Eventually, after several tries, he settled on Mt. Baa Baa and I was beyond trying to correct him on that score. He told me he’d get in contact with the closest branch of their company to which the car would be towed – that would be either Glen Waverley or, wait for it, …St. Albans! Eventually, it was nearly towed to…Shepparton. Hmmm…aam I lucky that we’re with them.

Wifey was without car now, so I decided to do the husbandly thing and bring my car up to her for her to come back to town with. I thought that I could ride my bike back to wherever – after all, I only had to come down the steep mountain – I had not been there for so long, I had forgotten about all the hills and mountains en root.]

So, a few hours in the saddle; stopped to grieve over a deceased local wild-nonlife – wombatus cactus fuctus – eats roots and leaves not.

Eventually, quasi delirious as I entered hilly Drouin, I thought I’d found God there but, no, I was, indeed, delirious but contented myself by being court by his street.

As I entered the town proper, despairing of finding the train station, I espied two teenage girls on their way home from school.

With my rapier legal skills at cutting edge cross-examination point, I asked: “What direction is the train station?”

This seemed to flummox them no end – after about a minute, I got “it’s in the main street”. ... Read more

Well, thanks girls, back to English class for you. That is not a direction indicator, that is a statement of fact, which pre-supposes that the enquirer is familiar with the locality and knows where the “main street” is.

Well, yes, it was in the main street but up, I think, three pearler hills – it seemed to be a never-ending story.

But, that’s a good point to end this story.

Saddle stats: 89.38 kms according to my bike computer, 3 hours 51 mins, 64.5 khm max speed, avge speed, a s-l-o-w 22.5 kmh (but there were some whopper hills to bring that down).