When you see a cyclist riding down the road, minding his own buisiness, just staying in shape, your basic instinct is to simply give them a respectable berth, pass them at a reasonable speed, and go on your merry way. And maybe make a mental note to start hitting the treadmill a bit more often. That's what normal people do.

But not duley drivers.

No, drivers of excessively large, fuel guzzeling, LOUD pickup trucks seem to have some sort of rude programming in their DNA that activates once they start their behemoth vehicles. Whenever they see a cyclist on the road, instead of being cordial, the mutation causes them to gun the engine, belching a cloud of black exhust in the air that the cyclist is trying to breathe. Not only that, when they have a whole entire lane in which to pass in, they still insist on passing within an inch of the now pissed off cyclist going at least 50 mph over the speed limit, nearly taking his head off with their long rearview mirrors.

I don't get it.

Is that supposed to impress me?

Well, I got news for all you pompous rednecks out there:

I know your secret.

The big truck, the beer gut, the huge cowboy hat.



It's your penis, isn't it?

How big is it, fully erect? Two, three inches, on a good day? You blow by us cyclists because you are pissed off, pissed off that we have huge throbbing python-like cocks fed by our fantastic blood flow and healthy hearts, cocks that would give even John Holmes a run for his money. You're pissed that, since you have poor blood flow from all that chewing tobacco, you can't even bring your tiny prick to look at the ceiling. For shame! How many hours have you spent fruitlessly searching for the elusive Full Erection, watching hours and hours of the horse porn you crave only to end up with something that resembles my deflated bike inner tube? Yes, I can understand why you are upset...I would be too if the only thing I could please is an infertile pinky mouse.

So just remember, truck drivers, next time you see me on the road, feel free to blow by, laying on the horn and polluting the air I breathe. Just know that that is only reinforcing my belief that your penis is roughly the size of a McDonalds french fry that is so small that it fell through the cracks of the box and is doomed to remain forever at the bottom of the paper bag.

Happy driving, motherf^ckers!

-Patrick